Dear reader, 

Yes, it is me Tomasina Wolfe, the satirist whose writing caused the mayor and five councillors to start a revolution at the Waikanae Community Board. The WCB revised English literature by throwing satire into the fires of feminist wrath and Kapiti is the first Council in NZ to declare a satire-free zone! 

So back to my writing straight. And this piece was inspired by a letter to the editor in a 1977 Salient, Victoria university’s famous student newspaper. It said:– 

Behold, Gurunathan Krisnasamy … is in a state of great confusion. Teetering on a shaky platform, he is stumbling after every passing bandwagon. His political stand sways like dirty linen in Wellington winds. During his pangs of activism, I urge students to tolerate his ravings and hullaballos on campus.

Guru is clearly much divorced from the social problems and the true life of the working masses. I suggest he do his homework. 

The Guru we all know and love proudly wears his evangelical Christian cape, so I thought it was fitting to reference the Bible for guidance. Low and behold, I found in Jeremiah, Chapter 13 verse 23: “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?” 

So, dear reader, you are invited to make your own assessment of the Guru of today. This is a brief recent history. He was a strenuous opponent of the Expressway. Now he extols its virtues. Is this akin to stumbling after every passing bandwagon? He was against local bodies funding private enterprise. Today he is the fiercest supporter of the Gateway that will cost Kapiti ratepayers up to $500,000 a year. He had been all for libraries, then he supported cutting the book budget of libraries.

He was a believer in facts. Today he would have ratepayers believe that boats can sail to Kapiti Island 365 days a year — and the Government’s Provincial Growth Fund accepted this as proven fact! Apparently the Gateway building will guarantee this. It has the miraculous powers of calming the storms; to perpetually guarantee good sailing weather. In Salient the writer said “I suggest he do his homework.” Is it not better to believe in miracles? An atheist should be shamed.

You have your thoughts, I could not possibly comment. 

All my love,

Tomasina Wolfe — now vice president of Satirists Anonymous, based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, for the curing of satirist addiction as AA is for alcoholism.

(Tomasina reports that she is taking it a day at a time but she has not drunk from satire’s intoxicating well for 19 days. Waikanae Watch wishes her well as she fights her addiction. —Eds)