Dear Readers, 

I am still shaking from escaping an attempted citizen’s arrest that almost took place at 8.17 am this very morning in the not so wide and not so spacious aisles of Pak’nSave in Paraparaumu. The charge I faced was driving my shopping cart too close to another shopper, thereby violating the sacred 2-metre Social Distancing Law. 

Let me describe the incident while it remains fresh in the memory, and before I need to rush off for trauma counselling thereby avoiding becoming another statistic in Aotearoa’s mental health crisis. And by recalling the event so soon the hazards of repressed and long term memory malfunction syndrome — may by-pass yours truly (Jacinda willing– so much more apposite do you not think than that hackneyed “God willing”?)

I commenced my food cart drive at precisely 8.07.15 am, wearing my safety mask and having my 2-metre vermillion Covid Safety Distancing Rod (CSDR) poking out the  front of the food cart. As I breezed around a corner to enter the tea and coffee aisle a little man (now known to me as Jerimiah Pedanteous), with beady eyes and garlicy breath was trundling along about 3.328 metres in front of me. I immediately slowed down to 3.1 km per hour so avoiding  garotting of said JP.

Suddenly, and without warning he braked. No braking lights! no hand signal a cyclist would use to signal she was stopping. Whereupon, and due to a slight but insignificant hesitation on my part, I swerved to avoid another potential garotting of the said Jeremiah Pedanteous by the said CSDR. Whereupon, there burst forth from the Pedanteous mouth a string of pornographic expletives that are herein deleted so innocent ears do not become traumatised and thereby escaping from the clutches of an anti-trauma therapist.

As an aside, I do give credit to Jeremiah for being a highly skilled multi-tasker, an attribute scarce among those of a certain gender.  He had simultaneously whipped out his notebook and pen while filling the cavernous spaces of the supermarket raucously declaiming “You are fk..g bld..y fkng under Citizens arrest. What’s your f..inf fing name yo bdy c..t {Definitely not cat!}.  Thirty seven expletives later Jeremiah had pointed out the consequences of my criminality by having put the whole nation at risk, endangered all those in Jacinda’s Team of 5 million and had made Aotearoa the world epicenter of  the Covid-19 Delta variant.

For those of you fortunate enough to have experienced the delights of food carting in Pak’n’Saves will know the width of the aisles do not enable passing while maintaining social distancing. So I have to admit the evidence against me was pretty overwhelming.

Though in a state of shock I still maintained a sufficient  presence of mind to stop Jeremiah Pedanteous wildly flourishing hands from grabbing me as he attempted the Citizen’s Arrest. I whispered, “Dear Sir, you are about to break the social distancing law”. Whereupon the arresting hands were instantly withdrawn as another avalanche of expletives de-sanitised the air. I turned heel and scarpered at such a pace I would have won a gold in the Olympics.  I admit to being in something of a daze so I cannot tell you if I offended further on the way out.

However, dear readers, you can be assured that my CSDR performed magnificently and lives to fight another day. As do I. And being somewhat robust in the psychological department I fully expect to fully recover from this episode, where my very freedom was threatened. And my frontal cortex will fully recover from its bruising. And most marvelous of all, I escaped punishment and still have my blemish free criminal record proudly displayed on the mantlepiece. So have a great day.

Love to you all,

Happy foodcarting,


She is a go-karting fanatic! —Eds