Satire by Conan Tait

A Three Waters inspector stopped at our farm yesterday.  He said to Madge and me, “I need to inspect your farm for your tank water quality, your septic tank,  bore water and water run off”.

I replied “They have been fine for over 100 years and don’t need inspecting.”

He said sternly, “Jacinda said it must be done.”

Madge, being the farm accountant asked was it free.  “For you darling, only $5,000“ sniggered the inspector.

“We object,” Madge protested.

“Sorry, it’s automatically deducted from your Fonterra payout”. 

He whipped out a visa type card. “This is my PRICK” he said. “I can enter every farm in Aotearoa. It’s my protection.“

I asked what Prick means.

“Permitted Recognisance Inspection Card Kaptivator and before you ask, Kaptivator captivates the fee,” he drolly simpered. 

I was speechless. Madge, still having her wits about her, and knowing the fight was up, said “Okay inspect”. The milk of kindness throbs through Madge’s heart, (as well as being the best cow milker in the Waikato) and also being dedicated to health and safety, warned the Inspector in her seductively robust stentorian voice, “Don’t go into that paddock: it’s dangerous.”

The inspector, a fully pledged and fledged member of Jacinda’s “Team of 5 Million” responded in superb bureaucratise to Madge’s apprehension: “Within the parameters of my governmentally sanctioned authorisation, and in compliance with the co-partnership obligations under the Treaty of Waitangi, and further to the economic and social directives set out in the Wellbeing and Kindness Budget of 2019 and you now being cognisant of PRICK and  I, having reason to believe on reasonable grounds further to satellite photographs that a water trough is in that very field, I dismiss your warning and will proceed to inspect.”

So off he went. We went back to work. Suddenly we heard loud primeval screams,  “Save me! Save me! Save me!” We looked up in unison and saw the 3 Waters man being chased by Augustus Xavier Elizabeth XIII, our champion Charolais bull. Remembering how he told us the Prick card was his protection, I yelled “Your PRICK, your PRICK, show him your PRICK!”