by Jim Cable

The Royal New Zealand Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.  

Having initially named the first two ships HMNZS Daring and HMNZS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the Green Party, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. 

The next five ships are to be HMNZS Empathy, HMNZS Circumspect, HMNZS Nervous, HMNZS Timorous and HMNZS Apologist.  

Costing $850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.  

The Royal New Zealand Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.  

The new user-friendly crow’s nest has excellent wheelchair access. 

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.  

The crew will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. 

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. 

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.  

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes. 

The Royal New Zealand Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; “Rum, sodomy and the lash”; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. 

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.  

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by “Hello Sailor”. 

All information on notice boards will be in Māori and Braille.  

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.  

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a “non-specific” flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. 

The New Zealand flag must never be seen as this will offend.  

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned by Imam Hook from the Canterbury Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.  

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal New Zealand Navy Band plays “In the Navy” by the Village People. 

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports in Auckland and Tauranga. 

The Prime Minister said, “Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation or left thinking from the New Zealand Government or other soft thinking nerds from the Beehive.    

Prime Minister Ardern said, “New Zealand waives the rules”