Setting: a room on the top floor of the Beehive where the bosses of TVNZ, TV3, RNZ, NZME and Stuff sit around a table. This time there are no cheese and crackers on the table and no water. Dear Leader enters; the media bosses stand and bow reverently.

Dear Leader: Oh for fuck’s sake, sit down! Look at these dreadful council election results. My choices for mayors of Auckland and Wellington trounced, 76% of the country’s mayors oppose my government’s plans. All I have is Holborow in Kapiti and what does she matter?

MSM in unison: We’re so sorry, Dear Leader. We tried hard.

Dear Leader: Oh no you didn’t. And Sinead, you even backed a Green for mayor of Wellington and not my choice; how dare you?

Ms Boucher of Stuff: But Tory Whanau is of Maori descent, Dear Leader.

Dear Leader: So is Paul Eagle.

Ms Boucher: So what? She supports Mahuta’s looting.

Dear Leader: Say that again and I’ll have you wash your mouth out with soap and water. It’s ‘co-governance’, got it?

Ms Boucher: As you say, Dear Leader.

Dear Leader: And Michael, you failed utterly to sway voters in Auckland.

Michael Boggs of NZME: But your candidate Efeso is so far Left that his car keeps driving off the road, haha.

Dear Leader: Not funny! And you’ve got that dumfuk Simon Wilson still writing for you, he should be in a retirement home, get someone else.

MSM in unison: But what more can we do Dear Leader? We can’t fool all the people all the time.

Dear Leader: I’ve told you before: I’m the Podium of Truth, got it?

MSM in unison: Of course, Dear Leader.

Dear Leader: So only reprint what I say and ignore my opponents!

MSM in unison: But we are supposed to be a democracy, Dear Leader. We can’t ignore them completely.

Dear Leader: I hate that word! Karl Marx said we must have a Dictatorship of the Proletariat!

Michael Boggs of NZME: But you don’t represent the Proletariat, you are a Dictatorship of Elites.

Dear Leader: You’re close to getting some special treatment at the police station, Michael.

Michael Boggs: Forgive me, Dear Leader.

Dear Leader: All right. We need to ensure my government is reelected next year. What are you going to do in return for all the Taxpayer money Grant gives you?

Paul Thompson of RNZ: We will attack your political opponents even more. Just give us all your Secret Police files on them and we’ll make them public bit by bit.

Ms Boucher of Stuff: Exactly. Dirty Politics is us; and if there isn’t enough in your Stasi files, no problem: we make Stuff up.

Dear Leader: That’s what I — and Nanaia and Willie — want to hear. But this time it has to work! If it doesn’t, we’ll be paying Antifa to riot like they did outside parliament last March.

MSM in union: Excellent, but please tell them to leave our buildings alone.