Setting: a room on the 9th floor of the Beehive where the bosses of Stuff, NZME, RNZ, Newshub and TVNZ are seated around a table. There is no refreshment on the table and there is a subdued mood. Dear Leader storms in; the five bosses stand and bow.
Dear Leader: Oh give me a break — sit! You’ve lost me another by-election; you lot are a disgrace!
Mainstream Media bosses in unison: But, Dear Leader…
Dear Leader: No buts! Over 20,000 in Hamilton West voted for me and my party in 2020, less than 5,000 now. You lot are the pits!
MSM bosses: Be reasonable, Dear Leader.
Ms Boucher of Stuff: You must have liked our Fire and Fury?
Simon Power of TVNZ: And our Web of Chaos? We made them to support your government.
Dear Leader: Yeah, at the time I did, but they didn’t work, did they? A lot of people thought they were absurd. I gave you those hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to praise me, and all you can do is come up with crap.
Michael Boggs of NZME: Maybe people don’t like all the racism, division, poverty and crime you’ve caused, Dear Leader?
Dear Leader: You’re one step away from the Coster Mob shoving a long baton up your rear end, Michael.
Micheal Boggs of NZME: I’m just trying to be truthful, Dear Leader.
Dear Leader: I am the Podium of Truth, not you!
Micheal Boggs of NZME: Yes, Dear Leader.
Ms Boucher of Stuff: I do everything I can to please you, Dear Leader, I love you.
Dear Leader: No you don’t; you’re in love with all the taxpayer money I give you.
Ms Boucher of Stuff: Oh, that’s cruel, Dear Leader.
Dear Leader: Anyway, we have to talk about how you’re going to get me re-elected next year, and you’d better not Stuff it up.
Paul Thompson of Radio NZ: Why not just rig the election like the Democrats do in America?
Dear Leader: I’ve talked with Klaus about that but He doesn’t think we’d get away with it. We don’t have mail-in ballots and electrickery voting machines like they do in America.
Simon Power of TVNZ: So what then? How do we stop opposition to you? People just use alternatives to Facebook and Google — and Twitter doesn’t support Terrorist–Leftists over Conservatives and Libertarians now that Elon Musk has taken over.
Dear Leader: My smiling made-up face must be everywhere and I mean everywhere. How many pictures of me adorn the walls of TVNZ, Simon?
Simon Power of TVNZ: Er, um, ah… I can’t remember.
Dear Leader: See what I mean? You must all remind your employees who they work for, Me! So make sure there is at least one picture of me in every room.
Mainstream media bosses in union: Yes, Dear Leader.
Sarah Bristow of Newshub: Why not just rig the data, make it look like everything is great in Jacindaland, oops, I mean Aotearoa.
Dear Leader: Why do that when I pay you to just gloss over it?
Sarah Bristow of Newshub: Viewers struggling to make ends meet and who have been robbed might get suspicious.
Dear Leader: I’ll do what my hero Comrade Stalin did, have show trials to blame saboteurs and wreckers, in other words the leading pests opposed to my government. I’ll have the Coster Mob do them over until they sign confessions.
Sarah Bristow of Newshub: And after the trials are finished have them shot?
Dear Leader: We don’t have capital punishment here, unfortunately, at least not officially. But I’ll have them jabbed with that Pfizer poison until they die suddenly.
Mainstream Media bosses in unison: Great idea, and we’ll attack them all we can for you.
Dear Leader: And if you don’t, you’ll be the traitors. I’ll have you jabbed with the real Pfizer poison too, not the saline solution.
Mainstream Media bosses in unison: Yes, Dear Leader.