Rules for visiting NZ’s South Island are:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap the right way around, your head isn’t crooked.

3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slowly you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Tesla. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? SH1 goes North, find it and bugger off.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only three weeks a year.

6. Every person in the South waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cellphone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You’d better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time…

8. Yes, we eat trout, salmon, deer, and duck… You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of duck season. It’s a religious holiday, we will observe it.

10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there’s no ‘Vegetarian Special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties tomato sauce! Oh, yes — we don’t care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat… It isn’t real Chilli!

13. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she’d better be cute, know how to shoot and drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders, and the Crusaders, and is a heap more fun to watch.

15. Yes, we have golf courses — but don’t hit the water hazards, it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn’t music. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers, refer back to #1!

17. For role models refer to the “Mainland Cheese” and “Speights” boys ‘good on ya, mate’!

A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends who probably won’t get it, but we’re friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!