Satire by Jim Cable
Fresh off the news-stand today, the Minister of I Want It All and I Want It Now, Mania Disputa, announced that 3 Waters was on schedule and that only about 63 of the 67 councils were opposing it so it is almost a unanimous decision to press on and implement it before some racist steps in and demands the chance of public consultation. She will of course, she said, “give the mayors an opportunity to express dismay but then mandate it anyway as per the new policy.” Not only will all councils get a Labour government embossed set of steak knives for the $120 billon cost, all ratepayers will get a big surprise in their next water rates demand,” she said.
In other news it was announced that Disputa’s similarly emboldened sister has been given the position of co-chair of the new Maori Health Authority. “We have exciting opportunities ahead of us” she announced, “the vaccination busses that take Maori straight around to KFC before every jab has been a raging success and we need to roll that plank out over all health issues to address need. We don’t need an ambulance at the top of the cliff when we have one already sitting at the bottom, but a bus is a really good idea”, she enthused. “Now we need to get our third sister into a plum job and to this end we have named this initiative ‘3 Daughters’”
The Minister for White Hate and Loathing, Mr ‘wee’ Willie Jerkoffson announced today the discovery of another three, hitherto unrecognised, resources that Maori have been providing free of charge and now recompense needs to be taken into account. These are Air, Gravity and Magnetic polarisation. The Minister explained that these three resources were all discovered by Maori after they had discovered the South Pole, and the colonisers had used all three without asking and without due consideration to the rightful inventors and owners. If it were not for the magnetic flux for instance, compasses would have been useless and Maori would not have had to suffer the agony of modern day technology, like food, housing, medicines, etc. “Same for gravity,” he said, “you can’t step off a sailing ship and onto a beach without gravity, and air goes without saying”, as he emitted a huge volume of it from both ends quickly ending the interview. This recognition of these finite resources would be called the 3 Rorters.
Justice and Corrections was another area which has had huge benefit from a Labour government said Andrew Tiny, the Minister of Justice. “We have virtually eliminated prisons by the judicious use of doors,” said Tiny. “The prisons only have white dissidents and anti-government stirrers in them now, so we have drastically reduced the staff numbers and the savings are unbelievable. This initiative is called 3 Wardens,” he said, and comes on the back of removing National’s copycat initiative, ‘3 Warnings’.
In a final piece of news, her Majesty, the Almighty Jacitler, announced today that the government had employed another three overseas nurses to replace the 1836 that had left for better pay and conditions overseas or had taken cleaning and dusting jobs in service. “They all need to be fully trained in cultural awareness and will be integrated into the Maori health system,” her Majesty deeply intoned, “along with a suitably generous helping of public funds from the General Health Authority”. Of course they had to bring their families with them and as a bonus, now Tamaki Makerau/Auckwhatever will have another 60 taxi drivers on the block and new jobs will be created in WINZ to cope with the influx. Fortunately we have Kiwibuild to fall back on and they have been busy building new homes for them, of course. These homes now number 3 quarters … of five eighths of sweet FA.