With the Dear Leader of Aotearoa intent on her vaguely defined hate speech laws, editors Eva and Geoffrey here model headwear so that those readers who may be considered ideologically suspect under them can avoid a visit from the Thought Police, or if they do show up, convince them of your soundness.

Summer — a Che Guevara beret. What better to show common cause with Dear Leader than the beret of the late Communist revolutionary with the red star featured on hundreds of posters, prints and T-shirts?

Winter — a Soviet ushanka with a suitable badge featuring a red star and a hammer and sickle. This example has that of a Soviet police kommissar, which might be considered even better — show the Thought Police that you’re not going to tolerate any counter-revolutionary talk from pesky Civil Libertarians! No, you want the Jacinda critics put in a gulag — three years in the slammer for them is not enough! Jacinda is the greatest genius who knows best!

Remember to only address members of the Thought Police as “comrade” and greet them with an enthusiastic “Hail Jacinda!” or “Hail Dear Leader!” Don’t give a Roman salute, though, it might be misconstrued. They’ll probably accept you as a real Jacindanista if you then utter the government’s dogma: “We must decolonize [insert your choice of institution, e.g. the tertiary sector, the legal system, the hospitals]!

Other clothing items:

Good:

  • anything with a smiling face of Dear Leader (of Aotearoa)
  • a rainbow T-Shirt of the LGBTQIA+ type (not necessarily a Greenpeace one)
  • anything with a portrait of a well-known Communist hero such as Marx, Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Che.

Bad:

  • MAGA caps
  • anything with a satirical cartoon of Dear Leader
  • camouflage jackets
  • Nazi insignia (unless you’re in the Mongrel Mob)

Hair colour dyes

Good: Pink, purple, bright red

Neutral: Green, orange

Bad: Blue, blonde

Good luck.