Dear New Zealand Labourites, Ardern, Mahuta, Jackson, Hipkins, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Bolger, Marxists, Palmer et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of that latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of New Zealand cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the NZCTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Jacinda’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio-diesel. You can keep the media left-wingers and Hone Harawira. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.
We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Foodstuffs and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, etc. We’ll keep the budgie-smuggling, bike-riding volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you Maori TV and the Greens.
You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we’ll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Willie Jackson. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.
We’ll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.
We’ll keep “A Dog Named Blue” and the non-Te Reo original version of our National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Bay Ya”, “We Are The World” and his recent big solo hit, “Beds and Batts are Burning”.
We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot. Since it so often offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative New Zealanders and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Law Student, Australia
P.S. Also, please take Debbie Anne Ngarewa-Packer, Rawiri Waititi, Marama Davidson, Golriz Ghahraman, Chloe Swarbrick, Ricardo Menendez March, Hone Harawira, Siouxie Wiles and Ashley Bloomfield with you.
P.P.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.