MILD CENTRAL HEALTH ISSUES HEALTH WARNING

Kapiti Ratepayers have been warned about the cognitive function disease sweeping the district: Alphabetotbia!

Mayor Ross Church has announced with immediate effect that all meeting agendas will be alphabetized.

“Council staff and Councilors have noted the confusion caused to the residents of Kapiti by the presentation of items not presented in alphabetical order,” said Mayor Church, adding, “We had previously just thought they were all ‘thick’, but now the results are in from the 12-year $800,000 Ratepayer-funded survey, and we have discovered the problem.”

“Along with advice from our very expensive lawyers, Mid Central Health,
the Electoral Commission and the Better Drugs for Better Decision Making Co-operative (who we consult prior to all meetings, obviously), we have therefore decided for the benefit of the whole district that it is better to give up Democracy rather than put our Ratepayers at further risk of the spread of this unfortunate ailment. Please note that these decisions have been made for the good of the district by us as we know best and, as we are not accountable for our actions, no further correspondence will be entered into!

“Council staff will be manning a 24-hr helpline and helpful hints are posted on our website, including suggestions like: When going shopping make your list out in alphabetical order to save on stress and confusion and ensure you visit Countdown first, followed by New World then Pak ‘n Save.”

“Our hope is that one day we can overcome this pandemic and Kapiti Coast
phenomena, so we are planning an advertising campaign to try and attract intelligent people to the Coast, but this is unlikely to have any effect until the current A, B , C cartel is broken.”

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