Guru’s Ladies Chorus wins the day

“Build the Wall” said the Guru of all Gurus during the 2016 election — now he is getting one! And who is going to pay for the wall? Grateful ratepayers and taxpayers, of course.

Darling readers,

Most of you will have missed the best theatrical performance in Kapiti in decades, called “The Battle for the Kaj”. Where you may well ask? Darlings, it was not at the new performing arts centre but — most wonderful of surprises — it was at Council Chambers on 25 February 2021. The choreographer was none other than the Great Guru accompanied by his GLC (Kapiti Ladies Chorus) of Councillors Holborrow, Elliott, Buswell Sophie Handford with McCann and Cootes, as boy soprano’s, singing in falsetto.

Could the Guru and his Chorus pull off a spectacular victory against the thousands of opponents and win? Yes, and this is how it was done. 

The Guru had a Maori group perform the haka for 20 minutes. It was so moving that Councillor Handford shed tears, then joined in the haka as an exemplar of audience participation.  This was the pivotal moment when The Force (Te Uruhi) of the Kaj won. All the members of the Guru Ladies Chorus spontaneously nodded their heads in rhythm with the gyrations of the beautiful Sophie.

The performance was wonderfully shatteringly assertive and aggressive and so loud that ear drums burst. As a delightful little sideshow an evil white female, foolish enough to be an opponent of the Gateway was battered with a chair bashed against her knees by a haka warrior. This theatrical aside perfectly encapsulated the win at all costs driving Force of the great theatre.

Councillors Compton, Randall, Halliday and Prvanov had not auditioned for the KLC and were treated as party spoilers. Why? Because they said Council should decide on proven facts not theatre and wild speculation. They were drowned out by the cacophony of cheerleading by a list of Guru appointed yes-persons who sang choruses in praise of this building. The Gateway was described as the centre and heart of Kapiti. Wow!

This showpiece of council meeting as drama deserves its own Oscars. So here goes.

Oscar for Best choreography: Mayor Guru   9.8/10

Oscar for Best harmonious choir: GLC  9.4/10

Oscar for Supporting the Kaj: The Guru and the Guru Ladies Chorus 9.9/10

Oscar for Best fictionalization of facts: KCDC staff project team

Oscar for Most courageous performer: The lady with the bruised body and knees

Raspberry for Party spoilers: joint winners, Councillors Compton, Randall, Halliday and Prvanov

Yours ever,

Louisa Carroll