Dear Comrade Great Dear Leader,
It is with regret that I must resign from the Commission you generously gave me in 2020 to head your New World Order and Thought Police with this massive salary and bonuses.
I’ve realised that the longer I do this, the longer my jail term will be when I am found guilty of Crimes against Humanity. I’ve created the New Zealand version of the Stasi, I’ve identified all your political opponents and raided many of them, roughed them up and terrorized them as you asked me to. I’ve stolen property from them like you asked me to.
I’ve told plenty of lies for you which your paid TV and newspapers have disseminated. I’ve created set-ups for you. But when the truth emerges which it does quickly now, it’s making me look worse and worse. I’ve trained my people in intimidation, aggression and violence–the likes of which this country has never seen before–to please you. You know I have no conscience about anything, but I’m not looking forward to being cited as being the leader of the the worst gang in New Zealand history and have my legacy marked for that.
I look forward to receiving your ‘golden parachute’ payment to prevent me from revealing all that the public have yet to find out.
Your ever-loving admirer and Comrade,
Andrew ‘Cuddles’ Coster