from The Onion

BELLEAIR BLUFFS, FL—Concluding it would likely provide shoppers with a measure of affirmation and self-worth, a study published Monday by The Journal Of Consumer Affairs found that the vast majority of Americans wish self-checkout kiosks would tell them they did a great job.

“Customers have repeatedly emphasized their desire for supermarket or pharmacy self-checkout machines to say that they bagged their food really well and deserve a pat on the back,” said study author Peter Hanlon, who discussed his team’s findings that large swaths of the shopping public wanted the kiosk to include a chirpy robotic voice congratulating them on their fantastic work and showering the display screen with digital confetti to celebrate their being such a good bagger today.

“Interestingly, shoppers also wanted the kiosk to compliment them on their purchasing decisions, saying things like ‘Mmm, that looks good’ and providing words of encouragement during the checkout process such as ‘You’re doing awesome! Keep it up!’

“But many said they would settle simply for the kiosk telling them that it loved them.” In a related finding, the study confirmed that many Americans were sick and tired of the current kiosks getting on their fucking ass about putting things in the bagging area.