by Louisa Carroll

But any snowperson?

On Saturday evening, 11 March 2023, Havelock North experienced an unseasonal fall of snow. Your intrepid reporter was so struck by the event it brought back to mind this report about what happens when you create a snowperson in the 21st century. 

The Perils of making a snowperson

This morning I awoke to see snow on the roadway, a rare meteorological event.  I went outside after breakfasting and the following events occurred.  I set out the chronology of developments: 

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 — A woman passed by and asked  why I didn’t make a snowwoman.

8:15 — I made a snowwoman.

8:17 — My neighbour identifying as of the female gender having commented that the  breasts were voluptuous in  their intent and the snow woman was a despicable example of representing females as mere sexual objects. 

8:20 — Harry and Barry, a newly married male couple suggested I placate the first neighbour by creating  two embracing snowmen instead.

8:22 — Alexia, a lovely newly trans-gendered neighbour, having observed through their net curtains the efforts I had gone to  to keep everyone happy suggested that I should consider making the snow statue no-gender specific, with a box of a variety of gender specific protuberances that a passer by could attach to their personal satisfaction.

8.27 — Vanburn, originally from Jamaica, wryly smiling said “John, you know some people may think that because the statues are white you are supporting white colonialist oppression”

8:40 — The Police arrived saying they had received a complaint about an offensive object that I had allegedly constructed and it could create hate and lead to a riot. I was arrested

8:45 — A TV news crew showed up.

6:00 pm — It was on the News that the police, through their swift actions had prevented a situation developing where many lives could have been endangered. The reporter said the suspect appeared to have made racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic and anti-transgender statements at the very moment when the country should have been rejoicing that snow had fallen in the age of Globalist Warming. A sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

We welcome Lousisa back to Kapiti, which she made hasty exit from in August 2020 when Crs Prvanov, Elliott and Holborow declared it was a satire-free zone. —Eds