Green Party MP Chloe Swarbrick, author Nicky Hager and a New Zealand SAS Soldier were captured by ISIS.

They were, as usual, sentenced to Death by Beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS Leader said they could each have one last request before the sentence was carried out.

Chloe Swarbrick asked to listen again to Helen Clark’s apology for colonial blunders.

Nicky Hager asked that the beheading be televised live on national television so that even when he was dead, his martyrdom status would carry on in the memories of ‘Aotearoans’.

The SAS soldier asked to be kicked in the testicles, three times, very hard, and as this was such an unusual request ISIS decided to take him first.

As the last kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a 9 mm pistol out of his sock, shot three terrorists dead, then grabbed one of their AK-47s and shot the rest of the terrorists.

The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his weapon.

“Because,” said the SAS soldier, “When we get back to New Zealand I don’t want you two Wokeist wankers saying it was an ‘Unprovoked attack and a sad day for Islam’.”