June 11, 2025

A powerful taniwha said to reside deep within the Tararua Ranges has reportedly demanded a cut of toll fees from the newly opened Te Ahu a Turanga highway, which connects Ashhurst to Woodville.

The creature, who identifies itself as Taniwha Rerewhenua o te Motu, has issued a spiritual ultimatum via a local kaumātua, insisting all motorists pay a $3.50 “ancestral access fee” to cross what it calls its sacred domain.

NZTA a.k.a. Waka Kotahi officials were caught off guard when the announcement was made during a blessing ceremony earlier this week. “We didn’t budget for an interdimensional toll collector,” admitted Project Director Paul Grady. “But we take cultural matters seriously, so we’re consulting with iwi and any available taniwha negotiators.”

One source claims the creature is threatening to cause spontaneous sinkholes if payments are not honored. Local iwi Ngāti Taniwha (a group that seemingly formed overnight) have already begun staffing a roadside “spiritual checkpoint” offering EFTPOS donations to appease the beast. Drivers unwilling to pay the toll are reportedly being cursed with bad fuel economy, flat tyres, and a sudden craving for expensive kombucha. The government has responded cautiously.

Minister of Transport Simeon Brown said, “While we recognise the cultural significance of taniwha in Aotearoa, we are reviewing whether this constitutes an official tolling authority or spiritual extortion.”

Meanwhile, Greens co-leader Marama Davidson has supported the toll, stating, “It’s time colonial infrastructure starts paying its dues—to both tangata whenua and the beings beyond the veil.” As negotiations continue, locals are adapting. One driver was heard muttering, “I’ll pay the taniwha, but only if he takes Clubcard.” Officials are urging drivers to remain respectful, slow down near the ranges, and carry small change—in case the taniwha prefers coins.