Louisa loves a Guru who quashes such lawyers! They are terrible white intimidators!

Folks, you will have seen from my biography that I am a careerist commentator. And what a joy to be ensconced in Glorious Kapiti where things are always happening. It is my vowed intent to write a weekly commentary on Kapiti Events. And this is my first, my debut as it were, here on the coast. Glorious Guru as lawbreaker?

The headline comes not from my pen but from New Zealand’s leading lawyers, Russell McVeagh. They wrote a letter to Council. In it they had the temerity to say our Mayor failed “to comply with the relevant legal obligation when making resolutions related to Kapiti Airport”. Not only that, they then said Guru and the Council had acted contrary to section 46 of one Act of Parliament. Then they bored all of the seven Councillors who adore our beloved Mayor by having the effrontery to allege a breach of section 78 of the Local Government Act!

We have heard of ‘Three Strikes and You’re Out’¹ laws. Russell McVeagh knew they only had two strikes. So they said they had a third strike. The Treaty of Waitangi Act. Guru’s favourite law. How cruel it is to try and use it against him.

You guys know that all lawyers are pedantic. When the world was male-centric there was a well worn phrase “pain in the butt” (having delicious sodomic resonances²). Today we can no longer tolerate this phrase so I have had to resort to ‘pedantic’: lawyers refer to Acts of Parliament.

Russell McVeagh have the audacity to mention what all Gurunathanians would recognize as an irrelevant section in the Treaty of Waitangi Act. This is Section 6. It pretends to prohibit the Waitangi Tribunal from making rulings on private land. 

Our Glorious Guru knows this Act better than any lawyer. He quite rightly decried Russell Mc Veagh, accusing them of intimidation and bullying. Guru says he was bullied. I am informed lawyers have been asked to formulate a case under the latest Act banning bullying.

Guru’s foresight had him spending our money wisely. He Guru got KCDC to pay for a $100,000 report that proves these ghastly lawyers are wrong.  Russell McVeagh falsely (according to our Guru) said Guru’s report “recommends that the Council advocate for an outcome that is directly contrary to Treaty law”.  

Everyone in Kapiti knows Guru embodies the Treaty Laws. As he said, he will not be bullied by mere lawyers.  He told the Dominion Post “the letter was clearly designed to intimidate councillors”.

My column is all about total honesty so I have to divulge to you dear readers the psychological and emotional inputs that may affect my reportage. To be frank, His brave masculinity threatens my lesbian proclivities. Wow — but that is for another weekly column.

Guru’s current stance is simply a continuation of the great valour he has displayed in his years as Mayor.  Two examples: just a couple of years or so ago he outed two Ratepayers as being blackmailers. It was only ghastly lawyers such as Russell McVeagh that made the Council pay enormous dollars to pay off these bad guys because of NZ’s evil defamation laws. Guru always knows the real law, the true law, the fundamental  law. 

And just last August he helped his five feminist councillors get Satire banned from Kapiti. Satire had been an evil started by the Greek Aesop 3000 years ago. It destroyed women’s lives. For 3000 years.  How proud I am that Kapiti is satire-free, all thanks to our Glorious Guru.  We need to show solidarity with our Lord Mayor, who is about to trespass on private land, sitting alone on the Airport Runway. Like Mandela in fighting Apartheid in South Africa, our Great Guru is happy to face the loss of his liberty so long as Iwi get back land stolen from them. Let us have a petition and march throughout NZ waving our banners saying:

 “A Guru forever

A Guru forever true

A Diviner of truth

Far Greater than the Law

Do what you have to do

We forever are

With you”

Go Guru, go!!

All my love,

Louisa Carroll

1. It is rather paradoxical as the laws, in the criminal law field, are really “three strikes and you are in” — forever, in prison.

2. If I had used ‘pain in the butt’ I would have faced the prospect of being hauled before the Human Rights Tribunal; possibly been sued by RMcV, for homophobic aspersions, etc.