by Special Correspondant
The intersection of Rimu Road and Iver Trask Place is the most significant in Kapiti, being the location of the Kapiti Kremlin, so a suitably grand glorification of the Guru of all Gurus by his adoring fans is proposed.
At a height of 10 metres (30 ft) the statue will depict El Junta Comandante holding his right arm out in triumph at being chosen in 2016 by the peons of Kapiti to be their Great Leader and his gaining supreme power over all. The statue will be at the highest point of an steel arch over the intersection which in the centre will be 5 metres above the pavement. The combined height of 15 metres (50 ft) will be twice the height of the Kapiti Kremlin, appropriate for such a great mayor.
Although the statue will appear to be made of bronze, it will actually be made of recycled plastic diverted from going into Kapiti’s landfills and cast in North Korea. It will then be spraypainted to look like bronze. Although the peons of Kapiti have tremendous feelings of love for the great mayor and each eagerly contribute thousands of dollars every year for his schemes, using plastic will save them major cost and simultaneously help the environment.
The statue will be mounted on a rotating base which will perform a clockwise motion at the rate of 1 degree per minute, so that every six hours the statue will perform a complete 360 degree rotation. The outstretched arm in all directions in this time will signify “I rule this land”.
To enhance the experience even more, sound boxes hidden in shrubs on the sidewalks will amplify sayings of the great Guru such as “I empower the health of Kapiti people”, “I bring about harmony”, “I empower Air Chathams” and, naturally, “I do it my way”. Grateful motorists will be able to listen to these while they wait for the lights to change.
Around the circular base of the statue containing the rotating mechanism will be engraved in large letters, “Le Loi, c’est Moi” and in Te Reo Maori, “Ko te ture taku? Pōkokohua!”
At night LED spotlights will shine on the statue so that motorists and passing pedestrians will see the wonderful sight 24/7.
All the electric power required will be supplied by a farm of solar panels on the roof of the Kapiti Kremlin and backed up with storage batteries.