Dear Leader: Look at these latest poll results for me — it’s a disaster! Only 15 points approval rating! Only 34% for my Party! I don’t give you all this Taxpayer money for nothing — you’re supposed to promote me as the Saviour of Jacindaland, oops, I mean Aotearoa, The One who knows what best for everybody.

Legacy Media in unison: We do our best, Dear Leader, really we do!

Dear Leader: No you’re not. Look at the other Dear Leader in North Korea — the Media there praise him and his father and grandfather all the time. They never show any pesky opponents.

Ms. Boucher of Stuff: But North Korea has no Opposition like we do, Dear Leader. We’re always attacking your opponents. You’re just not jailing them like we tell you to.

Dear Leader: My minister Andrew Little is letting all the criminals out of the jails so we can replace them with the political opponents. And my Chief of Police, ‘Cuddles’ Coster, roughs them up regularly, invades their homes. But we need a reason for it, you’re supposed to be demonizing them.

Legacy Media in unison: We do that, Dear Leader!

Dear Leader: Well not enough. Go and invent more stories about them.

Legacy Media in unison: You want us to tell lies?

Dear Leader: I do it all the time, so why can’t you?

Legacy Media in unison: But people will take us to to the Media Council or the BSA.

Dear Leader: Oh come on now, you know they only uphold complaints if they upset Wokeists. They don’t care otherwise.

Ms. Boucher of Stuff: You’re right about that.

Dear Leader: Look — present people who don’t agree with me as dangerous extremists. And they are, people should worship me, have my picture in every room, have a life-size cardboard cutout in their front doors. You should show people beaming with joy when I’m mentioned.

Mr. Kenrick of TVNZ. But Dear Leader, you told us you wanted our presenters wearing masks all the time to keep people afraid of the latest variant in this scamdemic. Look at Jessica, she wears the biggest masks we can find. All the people we interview wear masks, we never show anyone not wearing one. But how can you show joy when you can’t see their expression under those masks?

Dear Leader: Do I need to tell you how to do your job? Bribe them! Give them a KFC voucher to say “Dear Leader is the greatest political thinker of all time, except for Karl Marx.” And things like that.

Shayne Currie of NZ Herald: We’re not supposed to bribe people like you do. What we can do instead is search for people we can quote who are in love with you and your government. But there’s fewer of them than there used to be.

Dear Leader: Poppycock! The people are infatuated with me, they believe in me, they love me! Proclaim that the ones who aren’t are fringe extremists. Say that the Russians are behind them. That’s what your comrades in Canada are doing.

Cam Wallace of Newshub: Do you really think we can say that and not lose all credibility? We have to seem believable, a little bit at least.

Dear Leader: Look, I’m the Podium of Truth. If I say it, it’s Truth! Got it?

Cam Wallace of Newshub. Look we shoved Tova off because she was too obsessive, now we’ve got Jenna Lynch who was trained by Tova and she loves you.

Dear Leader: I don’t want to see pretty young women! They compete with me! I want ugly men like Patrick Gower — got that? I’m the most beautiful female of them all. Look how many times I’ve been on the covers of women’s magazines! Look at how many times I’ve been on the Stephen Colbert show in New York! How many times have any of you been on it?