Satire by Christopher Ruthe
This morning I went shopping under lockdown rules. The first requirement is “social distancing”. Currently it is set at 2 metres (that is roughly 2 strides for men and 9 strides for women in tight skirts). However, such a haphazard approach is inappropriate for times, which the grandeloquent British PM Johnson has implied are akin to fighting the Nazis. The NZ PM has also drawn on such comparisons, but in a rather more laid back Kiwi way.
To ensure you as shopper, meet the legal requirements set, Lockdownshopping Incorporated recommends you take your home handiperson’s tape measure — the one that has taken Viagra, not the limp sort — to the supermarket. Attach to your waist at the front.
(If you wish to take the Rolls Royce approach attach an identical one protruding from your posterior).
I only had one tape measure and left the exposure of my posterior to the foibles of other shoppers. All proceeded superbly well. As an aside, it was my experience that having this degree of social distancing meant that I could not hear any adverse comments about my desire to act ccording to the law (my advice, if you live in a rowdy neighbourhood, is to wear ear muffs to avoid becoming upset).
The hardest part is when you come to pay.
I was not properly prepared. I wiped my $50 note, wrapped it into a ball and threw it to the cashier. Sadly I had not thrown a ball in from the boundary for over 50 years, and my aim left a little to be desired. I will not detain you with details of the cashier’s heroic efforts to recover the $50 note.
The most important matter to take cognisance of, is that Lockdownshopping Incorporated has designed a beautiful weighted sachet, with zip, in which you cash put your bills or credit cards, so the throw to the cashier is so much easier. Further Lockdownshopping Incorporated has an online “Skills for throws at checkouts workout.” They guarantee that with 45 hours practice anyone will be able to get the card or cash to cashier every time — or you get your money back.
So dear happy shoppers, keep our PM happy, our supermarket cashiers safe, and the fat supermarket owners grinning all the way to their secret hideaways.