from the BFD

Klouse — the K is silent — Schwab sat in his office reading his morning e-mails.

The large white cat unfortunate enough to be his current feline of the week sat on his lap looking as though it would prefer to be peering into the profusely-toothed maw of a ferocious grizzly bear than in its current position, and indeed it would have been safer under those hypothetical circumstances. Any inadvertent clenching of the claws on the dictatorial leg, or other sign of dissension often resulted in the poor creature being literally taken to the cleaners, a process which few but the toughest animals survived.

Klouse’s naturally cantankerous mood was often vigorously stimulated as he read his morning e-mails, as a day rarely passed in which one of the collection of mind-controlled oddballs who comprised his WEF (Wicked Eugenicist Fascists) Global leaders, did not perform acts of stupendous feeble-mindedness.

Klouse was wondering who would be the idiot of the day as he perused his e-mails and his expectations were almost immediately realised. As he opened the next e-mail in his inbox, he suddenly stiffened as though rigor mortis had set in, but unfortunately, this was not the case.

“Fritz,” he called impatiently. “Come herein sofort [instantly].”Fritz, his private secretary appeared almost simultaneously beside his desk as if he had been summoned by the rubbing of a magic lamp, and enquired in soothing tones as to the requirements of his führer.

“Did you make it clear to ze fellow Chopkins of zose almost submerged rocks near Australia zat I did not vish to again from him hear, after his last unverschämt [impertinent] attempt to contact me to ask zat I prevent him from his election losing?”

Ja, mein führer, I did in the most unambiguous possible terms so advise him,” responded Fritz. “I cannot imagine that he would have the effrontery to contact you again so soon after the warning I gave him. I pointed out that he and his people should just relax and bask in the glory of being WEF guinea-pigs and that guinea-pigs should be content to eat their greens and keep to their cages.”

“And yet,” snapped Klouse, jabbing at his computer screen with a fascist finger and causing Genghis on his lap to lay his ears flat in protest, “is this or is this not a communication from the Chopkins organism?”

Fritz approached the screen and gazed at it intently. “It does indeed have the appearance of a missive from Herr Chopkins, mein führer. May I presume to read the message sir?”

“Do so at vonce, Fritz,” growled Klouse. “I am not vishing to my failing eyesight vaste on zis fellow.”

“Dear Klousey,” read Fritz aloud, “‘I am writing to warn you that I have insurrection in my midst, and that if you should receive any communication from any other minister in my government, it should be treated with the utmost suspicion, particularly if it comes from the Right Hon. Rabid Porker or the Right Hon. Grunt Robbingson. Heil Swab’. It is signed by the Chopkins fellow.”

Klouse sighed heavily, thereby ruffling Genghis’s fur and producing a warning hiss from the increasingly disgruntled animal on his lap

.“Vhat am I to be doing Fritz?” grumbled Klouse. “I cannot viz zis trottel [fool] be bothered any more. Maybe ze insurrection is being a gut ding [good thing]. Have you from ze insurrectionists received communication?”

“Not yet, mein führer,” replied Fritz. “But if you will allow me to check through the remainder of your unopened e-mails…”

Klouse wearily gestured for Fritz to continue, which he did. Suddenly Fritz murmured, “Aha, ja, here is a message which seems to emanate from the Porker fellow.” He read the e-mail through. “This Rabid Porker individual is suggesting that Herr Chopkins is not up to the job, and needs to go. He suggests that you take steps to replace Chopkins with himself and Herr Robbingson, and a fellow named McAnutty. He says that the people, especially the successful businesspeople want to be taxed harder, and that he is the man to do it, with the help of Herr Robbingson.”

Klouse thought for a few moments. “Let me about zis think, Fritz. On one hand, to keep Chopkins in ze job means a probable gewinn [win] for ze airline fellow. On ze other hand, I think I am remembering this Porker mann. He is being ze most veaselly person who ever veasled, more veaselly in fact zan an actual veasel, and if ever zere vas a veasel vhich needs to go pop, zis veasel is zat veasel. I also recall ze Robbingson fellow denied ze existence of our glorious WEF. He is being a sinner most foul, Fritz, to deny our existence.”

“Indeed sir,” purred Fritz. “So do you wish me to tell the Porker fellow to take a long row in a leaky dinghy?”

Ja, Fritz. I think it best to just ignore him and die daumen drücken [keep the fingers crossed]. I do the McAnutty fellow like though. He has ze personality of a psychotic scorpion, vhich to me appeals. Ze best result in their election I think would be a narrow vinn for ze airline fellow, vith ze potential for wirrwarr [chaos] in ze future.” He rubbed his hands together gleefully. “You know how ve are loving ze wirrwarr Fritz.”

“Indeed sir,” responded Fritz, “it is the lifeblood of the glorious WEF.”

Klouse opened the next e-mail.

Gib mir Stärke! [give me strength!]” he exclaimed, clutching his head and tipping Genghis off his lap. “Zis one is from Xi Jin Pong, who is demanding zat ‘Global Boiling’ must to ‘Grobal Flying’ be changed. “Zis is too much, after ve so carefully chose ze ‘Global Boiling’ slogan. Bring me schnapps sofort, Fritz!”He pointed to Genghis who was trying to to penetrate Klouse’s ankle pads with claw and fang. “And zat animal is tonight’s sacrifice to Lucifer!”

Sehr gut [very good], mein führer,” murmured Fritz as he glided from the room.