by L.J. da Silva

Here is a guide to translating ‘Real estate Speak’ —

1. A panoramic, breath-taking, or magnificent view is an indication that the house has windows, and if the view is unique, there’s probably only one window.

2. ‘Owner transferred, reluctantly instructs us to sell’ means the house is for sale.

3. ‘Genuine reason for selling’ means the house is for sale.

4. ‘Rarely can we offer’ means the house is for sale.

5. ‘Superbly presented delightful charmer’ doesn’t mean anything really, but it’s probably still for sale.

6. ‘Most attractive immaculate home of character in prime dress-circle position’ means that the thing that’s for sale is a house.

7. ‘Unusual design with interesting and solidly built stairs’ means that the stairs are in the wrong place.

8. ‘Huge spacious generous lounge commands this well serviced executive residence’ means the rest of the house is a rabbit-warren with rooms like cupboards.

9. ‘Magnificent well-proportioned large convenient block with exquisite garden’ means there’s no view, but one of the trees had a flower on it the day we were up there.

10. ‘Privacy, taste, charm, space, freedom, quiet, away-from-it-all location in much sought-after cul-de-sac situation’ means that it’s not only built down a hole, it’s built at the very far end of the hole.

11. ‘A must for all you artists, sculptors and potters’ means that only a lunatic would consider living in it.

Cynical maybe, although there were a few actual descriptions we put in the book: The New Gobbledygook: a New Zealand dictionary and guidebook. —Eds